Dear Nature and Nurture,

I'm not sure which one of you is responsible for the conversation below that certifies I am indisputably my mother's daughter, but either way, thanks. And, for the record, the blender has been washed and is drying in the drying rack even as I type.

Me, 10:44 a.m.

Even when I buy all the ingredients for smoothies, I still don't make them because I hate cleaning the blender so much. That's truly dumb. So today while I was waiting for my tea to steep, I made two blenderfuls of smoothie and poured them into jars and now I have like 6 smoothies and only have to wash the blender once. Not that I've actually washed the blender. I left it soaking in the sink before running far away and trying to pretend it won't be waiting for me when I go back to the kitchen.

Mom, 12:01 p.m.

So funny!!!  Right now I have the smoothie ingredients sitting in my blender waiting for the strawberries to soften a bit.  And the only reason I'm making one is because all the yogurts I got to make them are getting old and I need to use them.  Because, I too, hate washing the blender!  And yogurt is so hard to get off.  I wonder if they use yogurt to build houses with in Greece.  

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Verragio Engagement Ring Commercial,

"For a diamond as unique as your love"? Really? How do you say these lines without cracking up?

"Falling in love has never been so much fun with Verragio diamonds!"

>.<

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear My Favorite Local Ice Cream Shop,

You're seriously opening a new location this spring? Two blocks from my house?? When I'm trying not to succumb to the imminent 30s weight gain???

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Tuesday,

Today's Tuesday but that means nothing to me anymore. Tuesday has meaning only in a normal Monday to Friday work week. When you work the weekend through, you need a different base.

I remember in 6th grade math learning about Base 10, and how we think in 10s because we have 10 fingers. But if we had 12 fingers, we'd think in 12s: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 <dec> <el> 10.

That's how I feel about Tuesday. When Saturday and Sunday become part of the regular work week, and when you log >80 hours at work within 8 consecutive days, we need a different base to create meaning out of what those days mean.

I'm too tired to come up with that new base right now though. All I know for sure is I should stop being hard on myself for not wanting to get out of bed, even though it's only Tuesday.

To the hope of better days to come,

B

Dear Sandals,

I saw you in the back of my closet the other day, sitting there all lonely and unloved, with your toefreeing straps and contoured sole, and my heart went out to you. You poor footwear, useable only a few months of the year, relegated to exile during the winter months when a few free moments would mean frostbite for the feet. You might feel ignored, trapped, a victim of the weather, but don't worry, my dear sandals. I still love you and am counting down the days until we can go on adventures together again.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Phil,

From one Pennsylvanian to another, you're making us look bad.

Hugs, kisses, and a neverending winter,

B

Dear Manager at David's Bridal Who Offered Me a Job Tonight When I Was Helping My Friend Shop for a Dress,

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA no.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear The Job,

I know I've written you angry letters in the past, and let's be honest, I will probably continue to do so in the future because I'd rather be a full time artist. That said, I really don't hate you, and in the spirit of Christmas cheer, I wanted to tell you what I like about you. After all, much as I complain sometimes, the fact remains I haven't left you, which in itself is a testament to your not being all bad.

• My coworkers are intelligent, competent, and responsible. I can rely on them to do what they said they'd do, and it's a pleasure to help them out when I can.
• They're also funny. Never underestimate the power of humor.
• The work is challenging. In a bigger sense, I'd rather find my challenge in creative pursuits, but I am glad to have a challenging job right now that's actually teaching me skills that I can apply to those creative pursuits someday.
• You pay me. It's been a year and a half and I'm still beside myself every time I get a paycheck that's over the federal poverty level.
• You do good things. It's kind of a thrill to work for a company that's at the top of its game and plans to stay there. It can add to the stress level, sure, but there's also something incomparable about feelng you're making a difference somewhere.
• You have good food.
• You look cool. The architecture nut in me geeks out about your campus and the design that went into it. Your focus on making function look cool—drains that look like waterfalls; hallways that look like movie sets—delights me when I take a moment to really see it.

So, while I definitely need the vacation that's coming up in two days, and while I'm probably spending between 10 and 13 hours with you today and tomorrow each, I'll come back in January because there are some things I'm really happy about with you.

Merry Christmas,

B

Dear NPR,

I promise there is other news besides Obamacare. I promise HealthCare.gov is not the only thing going on in the world. And I promise there are adjectives besides "disastrous" that apply to the rollout.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear 70 Pounds of Kitty Litter I Put in my Trunk This Weekend,

I love you. Yesterday my car wanted to fishtail about a million times, I could tell. The roads 5 inches deep in some places and wheels spinning at stop lights, the drive yesterday was unpleasant. But you, along with my other favorite invention the antilock braking system, made my little car act like a northern native out there. Thanks for weighing down the back and making traction when the other FWDs out there made it clear I needed it.

Hugs & kisses,

B 

Dear Madison,

Just one more reason I like you. Sometimes the signs might be wrong, but at least we know how to correct them.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Gradual Adjustment,

Today on my way to work, I was rushed, thinking, "I'm going to be so late. I'm getting in at 8:30!"

Today on my way out of work, I was thinking, "I'm going home early! It's only 6:00!"

It wasn't till later that the real meaning of those sentiments hit me.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear 6:00 p.m. The Day Before Returning to Work After a Week of Vacation at the Beach With My Oldest Friends,

You couldn't, like, slow yourself down a little, could you?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Ridiculously Attractive Guy Who Sold Me My New Car on Saturday,

When I walked up to the group of salespeople and you were the one who stepped out to show me around the lot, I nearly turned around and left right then and there. Seriously? I thought. Send the cute guy my age out to sweet talk me into buying a car? I've been studying advertising techniques since the fourth grade; I see exactly what you're doing here. Well, I did buy a car, but you had very little to do with it.

That's not to say I wasn't aware of the fact you kept changing the radio in every car I drove to a good station and started telling me all about your creative pursuits when you found out I'm a writer. Got super excited when you found out we practically share a birthday. Kept asking if I live alone.

And then today I got my mail. Is it normal for salesmen to send thank you notes to their customers? I figure yes, probably. It's good business to follow up with customers and keep the lines of communication open. But is it normal to fill the card with compliments about my being the kind of "intelligent, positive, and fun" person that "makes [your] job fun"?

Not sure about my next steps here, so I'm asking my readers. Am I supposed to drop by the dealership sometime or let it all drop?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Birds in My Neighborhood Who Spend All Day and Night in the Trees That Grow Along the Edge of the Street,

Until I acquired a dark blue car, I never realized how much you poop.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Anonymous Microsoft Technical Writer,

When you wrote this, I have the distinct impression you didn't expect anyone to actually read it. Really? The task list monster? Glorious. Based on this, here's what I perceive about you:

• You majored in English in undergrad.
• You have a perpetually half-finished manuscript.
• You don't have your own office at Microsoft.
• You are doing the work of three people.
• You no longer work at Microsoft.
• You moved in with several housemates to pursue your poetry chapbook.

I wish you well.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Heartland Credit Union,

Your logo says to me, "Come build a Monopoly house on top of a tree where the sun will get it when it consumes the earth in pixels."

No? Not what you were going for?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Inbox,

First, I compared your emails to pounds and was delighted you were losing weight. Then, I said maybe I'd just run away from you, you were getting so out of hand. But today, dear inbox, today I got you down to ZERO.

ZE. RO.

Yes, I did a lot of deleting and archiving instead of responding, but I did do some responding, and I did a lot of reading, watching, and listening to things people had sent me over the past year+. And I did some reorganizing around my clear failings as a correspondent, so hopefully (although it obviously remains to be tested) I can be sure to respond to emails henceforth in a timely (although it's me, so obviously timely ≠ prompt) fashion.

Think we can do it, inbox? I certainly do.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear 29 Candles on a Raspberry Trifle,

You looked like you were about to burn the house down. "There's a lot more than 29 on there, right?" I asked my friends as they carried you out of the kitchen.

"Nope!" one said gleefully. (He's 24. Just wait a few years, buddy.)

It was like a scene out of a chick flick. You know the one. Where the single woman with a high-stress job and a cat stares her years in the face while Stevie Nicks sings Landslide soulfully in the background.

And yet, as I blew out your flames reflected like a conflagration in my eyes (no bifocals yet, thankyouverymuch), I couldn't think of anything to wish for. Surrounded by dear friends and fully aware of tons more friends all around the world wishing me well, with a hand-made trifle made with raspberries from my friend's own garden, on a front porch in autumn-like weather without the imminent threat of winter, I could only hope the next 29 years are full of such comfort and contentment as I've heretofore experienced.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Google Maps App,

Ahh!!! You even have cycling directions now too!!!!

You really are amazing.

Hugs & kisses,

B