Dear 6:00 p.m. The Day Before Returning to Work After a Week of Vacation at the Beach With My Oldest Friends,

You couldn't, like, slow yourself down a little, could you?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Cookies and Coffee on One-Hour Flights,

You can't fool me. Your purpose is not to sate thirst or hunger or even to force interaction between seat partners. The thing is, at 36,000 feet above the earth, we are none of us experiencing normal. In several hundred thousand years of human existence, flight has only been possible for about the past 100. Humans flying in a metal tube is not natural. But eating -- yes -- eating is. Your purpose in our lives so high up in the air is not to satisfy us, but rather to distract us. Combine something so foreign as flying with something so basic as food, and we're sure to reach some kind of equilibrium between take-off and landing. Good thinking.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Everyone Who Exclaims, "WISCONSIN!?" When I Tell Them Where I'm Moving To,

For your convenience (and consideration), I hereby provide a list of places that are, in fact, farther away than Wisconsin:

Seattle, WA
Portland, OR
Tempe, AZ
Berlin, Germany
London, England
Aberdeen, Scotland
Rio de Janiero, Brazil *
Pearl City, HI
Taiwan
Sydney, Australia *
Anchorage, AK
Banff
San Francisco, CA
Atlanta, GA
Johannesburg, South Africa *
Prince Edward Island
Missoula, MT
Vancouver, BC
Quebec, QC
Denver, CO
Prague, Czech Republic
Iceland
Sea of Tranquility, Moon *


* Indicates places I have not actually considered during the past six years.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Route 22 between Pittsburgh and Altoona,

You suck. You have sucked for my entire life. You sucked for my dad's entire life. Will you ever stop sucking?

Hugs & kisses,
B