Dear 2011,

Congratulations. Despite an improved last few weeks, as a year you managed to be almost as bad as 2008. Good riddance. Maybe the world really will end in 2012 and free us all.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Best Buy and Bank of America,

Thank you for collectively making it possible for me to acquire an iPhone this week. The cash for credit card points I've accumulated over the past five years will pay for my new data plan for the next two years, and the new iPhone 4S made all the older GS3s free at Best Buy.

My favorite part of having an iPhone this week is the free classic literature on the iBooks App. With all my books packed up and ready to move, it's nice to have Sense and Sensibility to curl up with after a long day of crumpled newspapers and packing tape.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Everyone Who Exclaims, "WISCONSIN!?" When I Tell Them Where I'm Moving To,

For your convenience (and consideration), I hereby provide a list of places that are, in fact, farther away than Wisconsin:

Seattle, WA
Portland, OR
Tempe, AZ
Berlin, Germany
London, England
Aberdeen, Scotland
Rio de Janiero, Brazil *
Pearl City, HI
Taiwan
Sydney, Australia *
Anchorage, AK
Banff
San Francisco, CA
Atlanta, GA
Johannesburg, South Africa *
Prince Edward Island
Missoula, MT
Vancouver, BC
Quebec, QC
Denver, CO
Prague, Czech Republic
Iceland
Sea of Tranquility, Moon *


* Indicates places I have not actually considered during the past six years.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear 17-Year-Old Writing Students,

Much as I try, I cannot figure out how you have sat in my class the past six weeks and still do not know what a thesis statement is, where it belongs in an essay, and why it is important. I'm also unsure how you have seen the exact same edits on the exact same errors for the past 3-4 weeks and still haven't corrected them. I might start feeling like a failure of an English teacher if it weren't for your twelve-year-old classmates who are writing college-level reports. I would say that, someday, you'll wish you had paid more attention. Unfortunately, if you've made it this far without caring, I doubt you'll start anytime soon.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Body,

Thanks for being in good enough physical shape that a mile walk can be "just a bit of a stroll."

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Procrastination,

You live in a world of unreality. You seem to think that if you ignore something long enough, it will go away. While this may be true for goldfish, it is not true for the rest of life. Even in the goldfish scenario, if you ignore it long enough, it doesn't actually go away. It dies. Then you still have to clean up.

I propose a change of attitude. If you can accept reality, you're likely able to finish grading assignments within an hour. You can wash and wax your car while it's still sunny and reasonably warm outside. You can maintain your spotless record for paying all bills on time and sticking to budget. If you can simply focus and prioritize, you can even manage to pack for next month's move with a minimum level of stress.

If you ignore packing long enough, you're still locked into a lease.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Stitches the Doctor Put In On Monday and Which Still Have 12 Days Before Removal,

It's no coincidence that "stitches" rhymes with "itches," is it?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Route 22 between Pittsburgh and Altoona,

You suck. You have sucked for my entire life. You sucked for my dad's entire life. Will you ever stop sucking?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Christmas Carols,

Now.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear 4-Year-Old Laptop Computer,

I understand that in computer years, you're getting up there. With built-in wireless technology and an integrated webcam, you aren't quite obsolete, and when I bought you, I suppose I did know that I'd expect you to last me a few years through unemployment and grad school. However, just because you see your fourth birthday approaching does not mean it's time for you to start freezing on me every day. I depend on you for my income; an online freelance teacher/tutor/writer needs her laptop like a blacksmith needs fire. So please, just hang in there a little bit longer.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Scythian,

I didn't think anything could make you better, but adding brass to "Cubicles and Tylenol" was, quite simply, an act of genius.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear God,

Thanks.
(For everything.)

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Complexion,

It's about time you started acting our age. Fourteen years ago, you were annoying, yes, but still part of the adolescent cycle of awkwardness that eventually led to the character and self-assurance of my adult years. Today, however, no matter how much character and self-assurance I have, I'm not cool with these blemishes that suggest I am still in middle school. If you would just talk to your upstairs neighbor, my scalp, it would tell you that gray hairs and acne should not mix. You are simply perpetuating a paradox that I, for one, do not appreciate. It's time you grew up.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Most Expensive Item In My Hands At Any Given Time,

Why are you always the one I end up dropping onto a hard cement floor?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear AllRecipes.com,

Thank you for the Sweet Potato Biscuits recipe that has brought me and my family such delicious joy. In 28 minutes I might also be thanking you for the Garlicky Baked Butternut Squash recipe when it comes out of the oven.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Delta.com,

Why are you showing today's date as December 19th? I want to check the status of my flight for tomorrow, November 20th, but it would seem I have a wormhole to fly through first.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Lake Monona,

I can already tell we're going to be good friends.
Hugs & kisses,
B