Dear The Job,

I know I've written you angry letters in the past, and let's be honest, I will probably continue to do so in the future because I'd rather be a full time artist. That said, I really don't hate you, and in the spirit of Christmas cheer, I wanted to tell you what I like about you. After all, much as I complain sometimes, the fact remains I haven't left you, which in itself is a testament to your not being all bad.

• My coworkers are intelligent, competent, and responsible. I can rely on them to do what they said they'd do, and it's a pleasure to help them out when I can.
• They're also funny. Never underestimate the power of humor.
• The work is challenging. In a bigger sense, I'd rather find my challenge in creative pursuits, but I am glad to have a challenging job right now that's actually teaching me skills that I can apply to those creative pursuits someday.
• You pay me. It's been a year and a half and I'm still beside myself every time I get a paycheck that's over the federal poverty level.
• You do good things. It's kind of a thrill to work for a company that's at the top of its game and plans to stay there. It can add to the stress level, sure, but there's also something incomparable about feelng you're making a difference somewhere.
• You have good food.
• You look cool. The architecture nut in me geeks out about your campus and the design that went into it. Your focus on making function look cool—drains that look like waterfalls; hallways that look like movie sets—delights me when I take a moment to really see it.

So, while I definitely need the vacation that's coming up in two days, and while I'm probably spending between 10 and 13 hours with you today and tomorrow each, I'll come back in January because there are some things I'm really happy about with you.

Merry Christmas,

B

Dear Anonymous Microsoft Technical Writer,

When you wrote this, I have the distinct impression you didn't expect anyone to actually read it. Really? The task list monster? Glorious. Based on this, here's what I perceive about you:

• You majored in English in undergrad.
• You have a perpetually half-finished manuscript.
• You don't have your own office at Microsoft.
• You are doing the work of three people.
• You no longer work at Microsoft.
• You moved in with several housemates to pursue your poetry chapbook.

I wish you well.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Yahoo! News,

Well thanks for that newsworthy headline. Here are some others in the same category:

• Oxygen, hydrogen key to sustaining life
• Many employees unhappy with their work
• Despite regulations, threats, some students still perform at average level
• Brick still stronger than straw, sticks

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear S,

That was AWESOME. All of it was, including, but not limited to, the following:

• Hanging out with you for three whole days in a row for the first time in YEARS.
• Getting a chance to know your fiancé husband better.
• Meeting some of your Tennessee friends finally.
• My shoes somehow (miraculously) not even smelling bad.
• Partying all day Saturday for the best reason I could ever come up with.
• Seeing your fiancé husband cry the minute he saw you walking down the aisle.
• Hearing a random stranger stop his golf cart and exclaim that you're the most beautiful bride he's ever seen.
• Getting to use a microphone to brag about how awesome you are to a room full of attentive wedding guests.
• Witnessing two super deserving people vow to be each other's others for the rest of their lives.

It all went by too fast, but I'm so glad I got to be the one standing by your side.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Facebook,

A list of all the ways I miss you:

1.




Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Toes,

I get it. We're happy. And I know that you've wiggled whenever I'm happy since the summer I was born. Still. Today's joyful toe-wiggling is getting a little fidgety.

Okay, fine, you're right. I don't mind at all. When the first news I have in the morning is about a dear friend's engagement (and subsequent welcome request to be in her wedding too!), and the sun is shining and the air cool, and the sewing machine I bought second-hand over the weekend works, and I reach the half-way point in the project I'm writing, and ... well ... this day happens ... the most appropriate thing in the world is for my toes to wiggle out of control.

So wiggle away, dear ones. Wiggle away.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Movers,

I know I'm not the only person in the world who's moving, but it is January. So I have to wonder why you decided to take my stuff out of my house on Friday, hold it in your storehouse for four days, and not even leave the state until yesterday. If you had left the day you took my things, you could have made it here and back before the midwest snowstorm. But no, you decided to wait until yesterday to start the drive. Now you're shooting for a January 16th arrival. Do you realize what this means?

• 5 more days without a bed.
• 5 more days without a bedspread.
• 5 more days with only 4 outfits.
• 5 more days without pots and pans.
• 5 more days without my kitchen table.
• 5 more days without my shower curtain.

A blizzard would have been a great time to unpack all my boxes. Instead, you'll be holed up in a motel 200 miles from home, and I'll be stuck in an unfurnished apartment for another five days.

Watch for black ice, and stay warm.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Everyone Who Exclaims, "WISCONSIN!?" When I Tell Them Where I'm Moving To,

For your convenience (and consideration), I hereby provide a list of places that are, in fact, farther away than Wisconsin:

Seattle, WA
Portland, OR
Tempe, AZ
Berlin, Germany
London, England
Aberdeen, Scotland
Rio de Janiero, Brazil *
Pearl City, HI
Taiwan
Sydney, Australia *
Anchorage, AK
Banff
San Francisco, CA
Atlanta, GA
Johannesburg, South Africa *
Prince Edward Island
Missoula, MT
Vancouver, BC
Quebec, QC
Denver, CO
Prague, Czech Republic
Iceland
Sea of Tranquility, Moon *


* Indicates places I have not actually considered during the past six years.

Hugs & kisses,
B