Dear 2011,

Congratulations. Despite an improved last few weeks, as a year you managed to be almost as bad as 2008. Good riddance. Maybe the world really will end in 2012 and free us all.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Best Buy and Bank of America,

Thank you for collectively making it possible for me to acquire an iPhone this week. The cash for credit card points I've accumulated over the past five years will pay for my new data plan for the next two years, and the new iPhone 4S made all the older GS3s free at Best Buy.

My favorite part of having an iPhone this week is the free classic literature on the iBooks App. With all my books packed up and ready to move, it's nice to have Sense and Sensibility to curl up with after a long day of crumpled newspapers and packing tape.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Everyone Who Exclaims, "WISCONSIN!?" When I Tell Them Where I'm Moving To,

For your convenience (and consideration), I hereby provide a list of places that are, in fact, farther away than Wisconsin:

Seattle, WA
Portland, OR
Tempe, AZ
Berlin, Germany
London, England
Aberdeen, Scotland
Rio de Janiero, Brazil *
Pearl City, HI
Taiwan
Sydney, Australia *
Anchorage, AK
Banff
San Francisco, CA
Atlanta, GA
Johannesburg, South Africa *
Prince Edward Island
Missoula, MT
Vancouver, BC
Quebec, QC
Denver, CO
Prague, Czech Republic
Iceland
Sea of Tranquility, Moon *


* Indicates places I have not actually considered during the past six years.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear 17-Year-Old Writing Students,

Much as I try, I cannot figure out how you have sat in my class the past six weeks and still do not know what a thesis statement is, where it belongs in an essay, and why it is important. I'm also unsure how you have seen the exact same edits on the exact same errors for the past 3-4 weeks and still haven't corrected them. I might start feeling like a failure of an English teacher if it weren't for your twelve-year-old classmates who are writing college-level reports. I would say that, someday, you'll wish you had paid more attention. Unfortunately, if you've made it this far without caring, I doubt you'll start anytime soon.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Body,

Thanks for being in good enough physical shape that a mile walk can be "just a bit of a stroll."

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Procrastination,

You live in a world of unreality. You seem to think that if you ignore something long enough, it will go away. While this may be true for goldfish, it is not true for the rest of life. Even in the goldfish scenario, if you ignore it long enough, it doesn't actually go away. It dies. Then you still have to clean up.

I propose a change of attitude. If you can accept reality, you're likely able to finish grading assignments within an hour. You can wash and wax your car while it's still sunny and reasonably warm outside. You can maintain your spotless record for paying all bills on time and sticking to budget. If you can simply focus and prioritize, you can even manage to pack for next month's move with a minimum level of stress.

If you ignore packing long enough, you're still locked into a lease.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Stitches the Doctor Put In On Monday and Which Still Have 12 Days Before Removal,

It's no coincidence that "stitches" rhymes with "itches," is it?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Route 22 between Pittsburgh and Altoona,

You suck. You have sucked for my entire life. You sucked for my dad's entire life. Will you ever stop sucking?

Hugs & kisses,
B