Dear Anonymous Microsoft Technical Writer,

When you wrote this, I have the distinct impression you didn't expect anyone to actually read it. Really? The task list monster? Glorious. Based on this, here's what I perceive about you:

• You majored in English in undergrad.
• You have a perpetually half-finished manuscript.
• You don't have your own office at Microsoft.
• You are doing the work of three people.
• You no longer work at Microsoft.
• You moved in with several housemates to pursue your poetry chapbook.

I wish you well.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Heartland Credit Union,

Your logo says to me, "Come build a Monopoly house on top of a tree where the sun will get it when it consumes the earth in pixels."

No? Not what you were going for?

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Inbox,

First, I compared your emails to pounds and was delighted you were losing weight. Then, I said maybe I'd just run away from you, you were getting so out of hand. But today, dear inbox, today I got you down to ZERO.

ZE. RO.

Yes, I did a lot of deleting and archiving instead of responding, but I did do some responding, and I did a lot of reading, watching, and listening to things people had sent me over the past year+. And I did some reorganizing around my clear failings as a correspondent, so hopefully (although it obviously remains to be tested) I can be sure to respond to emails henceforth in a timely (although it's me, so obviously timely ≠ prompt) fashion.

Think we can do it, inbox? I certainly do.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear 29 Candles on a Raspberry Trifle,

You looked like you were about to burn the house down. "There's a lot more than 29 on there, right?" I asked my friends as they carried you out of the kitchen.

"Nope!" one said gleefully. (He's 24. Just wait a few years, buddy.)

It was like a scene out of a chick flick. You know the one. Where the single woman with a high-stress job and a cat stares her years in the face while Stevie Nicks sings Landslide soulfully in the background.

And yet, as I blew out your flames reflected like a conflagration in my eyes (no bifocals yet, thankyouverymuch), I couldn't think of anything to wish for. Surrounded by dear friends and fully aware of tons more friends all around the world wishing me well, with a hand-made trifle made with raspberries from my friend's own garden, on a front porch in autumn-like weather without the imminent threat of winter, I could only hope the next 29 years are full of such comfort and contentment as I've heretofore experienced.

Hugs & kisses,
B

Dear Google Maps App,

Ahh!!! You even have cycling directions now too!!!!

You really are amazing.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Yahoo! News,

Well thanks for that newsworthy headline. Here are some others in the same category:

• Oxygen, hydrogen key to sustaining life
• Many employees unhappy with their work
• Despite regulations, threats, some students still perform at average level
• Brick still stronger than straw, sticks

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Businesses that Advertise Things Everyday,

Let's talk about that word: everyday. I know that sometimes space is limited on signs, but that's no reason for inaccuracy. Here's a guide:

Everyday (no space): Describes something common and unremarkable.

Example: No matter how much she loves me, my mom probably doesn't want to hear about my teeth-brushing and other everyday events.

Every day (with a space): Describes the frequency with which something happens.

Example: I'm always excited to save $1.00 on coffee when I bring my own mug, even though it happens every day.

So when you advertise your $5 Buck Lunch Everyday, I have to wonder if you meant to say it happens each day or if you think it's not a very remarkable deal.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Dairy Queen's $5 Buck Lunch,

Are you a lunch for male deer, maybe? A saltlick and berries? An extra dollar off if you come in with antlers?

I ask because you're called the Five-dollar buck lunch. Or didn't you realize that the $ means dollars? That is to say, if you have a $, then you don't need the "buck." Either you're trying to get our attention with your incorrectness, or you need to find some more language-savvy folks to contribute to your ad campaign.

Hugs & kisses,

B

Dear Boy,

I'm truly sorry. Forgive the cliché, but I honestly believe you'll find someone better.

Hugs & kisses,

B